Many opaque objects that loomed as dark and scary are seen now just the way they are… they are no longer scary; they are manageable. – Sayadaw U Tejaniya

I had a friend who really didn’t like tomato. Something about the taste or the texture, I can’t remember. They could tolerate tomato sauce on a pizza base but would pluck out chopped tomato in a salad. If they were asked why they didn’t like it, they’d lecture you on why it was an inferior fruit. They had lots of reasons why their dislike made sense.

Defence like that is common. You can also try to hide your dislikes. Someone who needs their “eight hours” might stay up late but will spend the evening checking their watch. Internally, they’re bubbling with irritation and dreading the next morning. They’re able to manage, but their dislike hasn’t gone anywhere.

Other times, our dislikes slip out of consciousness, with the rest of the traits, impulses and thoughts that don’t fit into our self-image. For example, a person who sees themselves as generous, and values the trait, may not be consciously aware of a minor, but real feeling of resentment when they are borrowed from.

It’s tiring to constantly fight with or dance our lives around these dislikes. Which makes me think, wouldn’t it be easier if we just admitted them out loud? That we didn’t like loud restaurants, or talking on the phone, or asking for help? Wouldn’t we save a lot of energy if we stopped defending and suppressing them?

Let’s say you find yourself anxiously thinking about an upcoming social event, like a work Christmas party. You might have a lot to dislike: the small talk, fitting in, whether to drink or not and so on.

Rather than express these yourself, imagine your friends and family talking for you. How would they describe these dislikes of yours? Maybe your partner laughs and says “he really avoids the dancefloor”. Maybe someone else chimes in and says “and karaoke too, he’ll do anything to avoid that!”

In this imaginary, but realistic scene, all your dislikes are out in the open, and voiced in a kind, playful and knowing way. It should be a mood of compassion, rather than gossip, like someone describing how their dog doesn’t like fireworks or getting disturbed from an afternoon nap.

Nothing about the upcoming party, or the dislikes have changed. And we’re not really imagining anything that couldn’t happen in real life. But I think this is a helpful way to wrest some power back from our dislikes.

Here’s why I think it’s effective:

• No hiding. Whether you like it or not, your friends already know your blind spots, because to them, they’re obvious.
• No defence. In this imaginary scene, you aren’t there to explain, justify or protest like you would in real life. It’s a bit like hearing your own eulogy as a ghost. You can shout “I wasn’t like that”, but no one at the funeral can hear.
• No inflation: A lot of our dislikes are pretty ordinary when seen from the outside. This isn’t about belittling or laughing at problems, but seeing them more accurately and with the right perspective.
• No judgement: Judging can twist up the reality of the situation. Non-judgemental figures (it doesn’t need to be friends or family, it could be anyone like a wise old man), can make your problems feel more manageable.

With practice, you may not need to imagine the scene at all. When you’re feeling calm, try saying it out loud: “He doesn’t like…” or simply “I don’t like…”. Say it out loud, or write it by hand, which works better than typing.

Usually, our dislikes control our life. The more we fight them or run from them, the more they change our behaviour and force us into constricted positions and attitudes.

But they’re our dislikes. So why not own them? They won’t disappear, but a dislike you can say out loud is a lot easier to live with than one you’re pretending isn’t there.