Reality is always far nobler than any projection. – Robert A. Johnson

The other day I saw a cyclist speed past a dog walker, almost hitting the dog. I wanted to yell out. How could someone ride so recklessly? Couldn’t he see how close he was? That’s anger. Like a strong tonic, one sip focuses your attention and fills you with energy and motivation to act.

I’d know. It’s very easy to make me frustrated. When I run late for a meeting, I can melt down over the most minor inconveniences. I find myself smoldering at a friendly colleague who wants to chat in the hallway. I’m even angry at the guy waiting behind me as I make my coffee. Interrupt me at your peril.

I think frustration tends to be more of a problem for those of us who need everything to be fair, good and orderly. When you place high standards on yourself and on others, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’re sensitive to fairness and justice, you’ll easily feel wronged all the time.

Putting a lid on it

It’s challenging to handle anger. Most of us can’t get a grip on it because we avoid looking at it directly. It gets habituated; we react to the same things over and over again. And like a deranged law officer, we justify our actions as righteous. They deserved it. They were wrong. They were out of line. The more we try and control anger with rules and regulations, the more likely it is to explode unexpectedly.

That’s because like fear, sadness, joy or any other emotion, anger has to get out.

When you shove anger away, it has an uncanny ability to find its way back to you. It grinds in your jaw, pulses in your skull or creaks your neck. It leaps out of your throat in a snarky, hurtful comment. It ricochets through your conscious mind with sounds and images or leaps out at you as a snarling dog or cocked gun in your dreams.

Anger can also present itself as reality itself, as a projection. Unconscious of how angry you’ve become, you feel certain that someone is trying to push your buttons, or purposely avoiding you. Like a bad hallucination, a friendly smile appears to be mocking. “While we are caught up in a maelstrom of anger… everything seems confusing, out of control, overwhelming, and unpredictable.” ¹In this state, we are essentially possessed by the emotion. This is painful for you, who feels as if the whole world is angry and everyone around you too, who has to deal with your responses. “You have no choice, you’ll be angry as long as you’re angry and the people around you, who don’t like it, just have to figure out some way to put up with you.”²

Don’t just do something, stand there³

Any action we take in a confused, frustrated, disordered state is unlikely to help much. Instead, it’s more useful to take stock and question what’s actually happening:

• Look inside: Instead of blaming the people around you, what’s the flavor, the temperament and general attitude of your thoughts? If you notice anger there, it’s worth it wait until that passes. Grandma was right – Walk it off
• Get specific: What or who exactly is making you angry?
• Take some responsibility: What’s the likelihood that every single person in the office is annoying you? Is it more likely that it’s something that you’re doing?

Anger and frustration are powerful, useful emotions. They give us energy and agency to stand up to unfairness, fight injustice and protect our personal boundaries. But the dose make the poison. Too much anger, too quickly, for too long, makes it literally dangerous.

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1. Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy ↩︎
2. Aim to let go of anger as soon as possible – Sam Harris & Peter Attia ↩︎
3. Robert A. Johnson, Contentment ↩︎