You’re not who you think you are. But you are condemned to be who you think you are.”

Sam Harris

Maladaptive schemas are patterns we habitually play out. Early in our lives, these patterns might have served a purpose. For example, a strong belief we must ‘be good’ helped protect us from the fear that something bad will happen if we aren’t. But most of the time, they operate like a poorly coded computer program. When a situation invariably triggers the schema, it can explode in unhelpful ways. The thoughts are rigid, simplistic and skew negative. The emotions are dramatic and destructive. And the point of view distorts our perspective of reality to fit its narrow bias.

Imagine you’re hanging your feet in a rock pool. The water is dark and murky and you can’t see clearly into the water. Anything could be lurking down in the depths. When something touches your foot, your mind races with fearful possibilities. But once the tide drains the water out, you see there’s just a bunch of rocks and seaweed. You might not like what you see, or prefer it to be sparkling white sand, but it’s infinitely more manageable than the unknown. The same applies to a schema. Recognizing the typical thoughts, emotions and general ‘shape’ of a schema makes them a lot easier to deal with. Objectively, a schema becomes less claustrophobic and overwhelming. Rather than someone or something driving you crazy, you can observe a schema (with its associated thoughts, feelings and twisted perspective) going crazy.

The stink of a schema response is hard to miss. Here are two characteristics that you can look out for.

Habitual: Maladaptive schemas are usually set off by the same stuff, over and over again. Once they’re up and running, they spew out the same simplistic, negative thoughts and destructive emotions. And maladaptive schemas “lead us to neurotic solutions”¹ as our desperate minds seek ways to ignore, deny, resent, numb, dodge or dismiss these uncomfortable reactions.

Over the top: Probably because of its early-life origins, a schema attack can be characterized by a childish, inappropriate, out of proportion reaction. We might suddenly become enflamed with smoldering anger when we are told exactly what to do or “we may isolate ourselves on the edge of a party in reaction to someone’s frosty tone of voice”².

Disorienting: Once a schema kicks in, it’s difficult to make calm, considered decisions because our perception of the world is “tainted”. It’s like orienting with a map with no labels. In a way, we’re possessed. “We have to speak from it. We speak as though we are it.”³ Like a panic attack where it really feels like the walls are closing in, attention, memory and perception are all impacted. In a fog of confusion, basic things we know are true are suddenly cast into doubt and we can easily convince ourselves that this “twisted version of reality is how things actually are.”⁴

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It’s not possible to unpack and de-fang these ingrained beliefs overnight. But once identified, we must deal with them directly rather than push them away or pretend they’re not happening.

Let it cook: At base, even caustic self-beliefs like “I’m a failure”, or “I’m not doing anything worthwhile with my life”, are thoughts – “poor and weak”⁵ and “utterly without force”⁶. We actually don’t have to do anything about them. It’s not easy, but by simply letting these thoughts and emotions “come in and go out”⁷, we are building new, less reactive responses.

Talking back: We can’t blame our minds. When we are overcome by a schema, our minds are unable to take a nuanced, holistic view of a problem or situation. It’s a bit like a small child or a drunken teenager who’s telling us the same nonsensical story again and again. We’re not going to get far with rational conversation, but we can show some generosity and compassion. Challenging recurring, panicky thoughts might sound like “it sounds like you’re worried about failing?” or “I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t want to feel guilty about that.” Yes, talking to yourself might sound crazy, but it’s a lot saner than flying into a rage when someone points out an honest mistake or asks you for a favor.

With appropriate distance, objectivity and gentleness, we can get a clearer picture of the bogus stuff we are saying about ourselves and open up to a saner view of reality.

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist… and I don’t play one on the internet. If you’re interested in exploring this subject further, talk to a professional. 

1. Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. ↩︎
2. Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. ↩︎
3. Riemersma, Jenna. Altogether You ↩︎
4. Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. ↩︎
5. Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. ↩︎
6. Harris, Sam. ‘Take a Moment’ audio reflection (February 11, 2024).” ↩︎
7. Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. ↩︎