Don’t fucking panic, Bob. Keep your shit together. – One Battle After Another
I’ve always been fearful about my job.
I remember my first internship, where I was terrified of getting exposed as an imposter. I’d listen to the Terminator Theme to stay motivated as I cycled home in the dark. I’d survived another day.
When I moved to America, my fears shifted to worries about getting fired and then losing my visa which was tied to my job. Every vague invite from my boss was a potential dismissal. I thought I’d be fired if I asked for too many days vacation.
Between jobs, interviewing was always this chilling task where I was seemingly never prepared enough.
Mostly, my fears of failing, losing my job and ending up homeless never came true. And over time I gained confidence and started to feel less fear.
Less fear. In a way, that’s been a big goal. Feel less fear. Fight fear. Remove fear. I pictured a successful career as never feeling fear again.
When you are identified and engulfed by fear, it’s horrible. It feels like you’re in a building with fire in it. Getting burnt alive is something you imagine and that also feels like it could really happen. Anxiety adds the alarm bells. So it makes sense that you want it to go away. I think that’s our habitual response to fear.
Fighting fear works… until it doesn’t. I don’t think fear can ever really go away. Even if fear did go away, I don’t think you’d want it to.
I don’t think fear ever stops feeling like fear either, that’s just what it is. But if we look at fear as information, rather than something to remove, it can work for us rather than against us.
December 27, 2025 @ 8:24pm – Mount Martha, Victoria, Australia
2025 is coming to a close in a few days. It’s been a relatively quiet and uneventful year for me, with most of my time spent close to home and work. In mid December I flew to California for a retreat with a group of about 50 other meditators. I returned back to Australia feeling like something important had consolidated. But what’s coming next? What will 2026 be? I’m not sure, but I’m hoping I (and everyone else) are prepared as best as we can be.
Since January 2025, I’ve published 34 things, the exact same as last year. Most of my writing has gravitated around two major internal obstacles for me: My perfectionism, which causes me endless issues at work and a sort of martyr like approach to life which especially reared its head as I trained for a difficult bike ride in March. I’ve organized the articles below into loose thematic categories. Here’s everything I wrote in 2023 and 2024. As always, all posts can be found on my Substack too.
Working
Designing with concepts – How to make software that’s more enjoyable, learnable and effective
Leisure is an attitude of mind and a condition of the soul that fosters a capacity to receive the reality of the world.
Joseph Pieper
It’s Saturday morning. It’s 11 degrees celsius (51F), but the concrete grey sky and whipping winds make it feel close to zero. A few stragglers walk past me, scuffing their heels as if to say ‘isn’t this a nasty morning?’
I would tend to agree. I’ve just picked up my coffee and I’m about to turn down my street to walk home. I’m standing on a street corner, bracing against the wind and I glance up across the road.
It’s something I’ve never done, and will never be able to do again. To stare at this old boot repair stop. This bridge over train tracks. These shrubs. Holding this coffee. Right at this moment. And it’s not easy.
Because this particular intersection, it’s so banal to me it’s almost hard to do.
Because there’s nothing interesting there.
I’m both familiar with it, and tired of it at the same time. First impressions stick. I saw these shops, this bit of road, this dirty sidewalk once, and I knew it wasn’t worth my attention.
And so it was.
It made me think. If I have make up my mind so quickly about this place, I likely do the same for everything else I register with my eyeballs.
Try it out. Look at something you perceive to be ‘nice’. A bright red apple is pretty universally liked. Maybe you notice some thoughts naturally come to mind. Nice, little, yum, crunchy. These are basic value judgements. It’s a little word cluster. Morphed together it forms a sort of ‘vibe’ of that thing you’re looking at.
Two people look at a church. One word cluster ‘god, epic, holy, sacred, safe’, the other ‘junk, old, history, old people, boring’. Two word clusters. Two different churches are seen.
Conversely, a row of trash cans on the street: Dirty, plastic, gross, smell, ugly.
And that’s what they look like. Don’t they? At least that’s how they look to me.
Back to that street corner. Conscious of my little value descriptions, ‘concrete, grey, ugly, empty, sparse, boring’, I push myself to continue looking and let the value judgements drift off into the distance. Not much changes. But every cell in my body wants to move on, to ignore what I’m seeing. I’ve seen it so many times before. Another word drifts in: ‘waste of time’. But my eyes are content to move around and they rest on a little green electrical box. It’s an interesting colour and shape. And nearby, a similarly green shrub, about a foot high. More shrubs. A glimpse of a pastel coloured mural behind a car. The dull shine of a wet rubber.
It’s all there. There’s probably a lot more there too.
We need the ability to critically assess the world around us. In many ways, we are critical assessment machines. Instead of a body with eyes, we are eyes with a ton of CPU and some moving apparatus attached.
But when we allow our minds to run wild with fearful stories, harsh judgements and defensive attitudes, we start to lose touch with reality.
A few minutes before I DNF’d Peaks challenge (strava), a particularly hard bike race, I asked myself an important question: What’s the point?
I didn’t have an answer.
When all you need to do is ride your bike to the finish line, asking “what’s the point?”, is not very helpful.
It’s the type of question that invariably creates more questions. Do I even like this? Why do I do this to myself? Who do I think I am? What am I getting out of this? Why am I here?
Camus would be rolling a cigarette in his grave.
It’s the type of question which needs to be questioned.
Ego
Perhaps a thought like that emerges from an ego trying to find a comfortable place to stand. Like a stressed publicist, it’s in damage control and it’s in search of a justification.
It was dramatic (I’ve lost the love, I’m quitting.) It was proud and sought validation (I’ve done a lot of training, but it wasn’t enough). It was dismissive (Things change. I’m interested in different things now. Cycling is not for me).
So when I say something like “racing isn’t that important to me”, it may not be what I really believe, rather what makes me feel good.
Preparedness
There’s also a biological reasons why get existential. When we run low on water or nutrition, our mind goes crazy. I was bonking, dehydrated and out of carbs. I hadn’t planned enough, paced enough or trained enough, and paying the price.
For your average weekend warrior, this is a simple enough problem to fix. You didn’t get the result you wanted, so you experiment, and try again. You fix your bike position. You buy new gear. You switch up your nutrition or your training plan. Pain or negative thoughts act as a pointers to help you improve.
I’d happily solve an existential problem with food, if only I could stop thinking about it.
Toughness
One day I was at a park when I overheard a mother urging her young daughter to keep running. She was flagging behind and her body language said she was seconds away from collapsing and giving up. Her mum urged her to ‘come on, get in your competitive mode’. The little girl cried out in exasperation ‘I’m trying!’.
When it comes to getting the thing done, fixing your attitude seems to deliver the largest return on investment. Ancient myths, spiritual gurus corporate slogans all urge us to keep an unwavering focus or intent on the goal and just do it.
The thing is, there’s no end to how tough something can get. And for two unique people, with differing attitudes, a 5km and a 500km could feel equally as hard. And although perseverance seems to be a healthy trait that helps one to get the most out of their lives (rather than staying huddled under the covers), I think we need more than perseverance. Just because you are able to withstand a certain pressure, doesn’t mean you have to withstand it.
So, before we shrug our shoulders and say ‘toughen up’ or ‘get over yourself’ or ‘get back on the bike’, I’d like to ask ‘what’s the point?’ on more time.
I think we can look at this question from two different levels or perspectives.
On one level, we care (perhaps unconsciously) about short term gains, utility, getting ahead, grabbing stuff, avoiding pain, seeking pleasure. When we struggle with something hard, whether it is a 12ft brick wall we need to scale or a thank-you note we can’t put into words, we are essentially saying, I don’t want to do this. This is uncomfortable. This makes me feel bad.
But from another level, asking what’s the point could be a valid expression of frustration. Life is short. We can only do so many things. Let’s face it, genetics aside, we are all painfully individual and we may be guilty of grinding down our uniqueness into a fine paste all in the name of toughing it out.
Let’s look at two different people struggling with this question, in different ways.
Maria decides to quit her corporate law job and become a pastry chef. She’s used to working hard, but the combination of physicality and early hours are killing her. She’s struggling to learn the art of the croissant. She loves it but she also asks herself what’s the point? She misses the convenience and stability of her old life.
Miguel vows to read every day. Science says that reading makes your brain bigger and more empathetic, and he’s tired of hearing about it. He’s never been a reader, but this time he really pushes himself to make a new habit. He finds time out of his busy schedule to read, even sacrificing time with his kids. But no matter how hard he tries, it really feels forced. Sometimes he asks himself: what’s the point?
Maria works on her passion, while comfort and security tug at her. Miguel laces up his own boots, while his heart tells him he’s walking in the wrong direction. In both cases there’s a mixture of fighting demons and listening to what you actually care about.
Therefore, the challenge we face is not simply ignoring that voice that says ‘give up’ – that would be too easy. Sometimes we might have to listen to it too.
Although it wasn’t how I usually explore a country, riding 950km around Taiwan with 40+ strangers was a vivid experience that rekindled my love of travel. Here are a few of my observations.
December 28, 2023 @ 3:31pm – Lehe Village, Taiwan
Time
I’ve never travelled in a large group. For everything to run smoothly, everyone needs to stick to the schedule. Phone call to the hotel room at 6am. Breakfast at 6.30am. On the bikes at 7.10am. If you sleep in, you miss breakfast. I think of myself as pretty organized, but I was surprised to find myself one of the last people to get to the breakfast hall in the morning. Was I really that slow? At first I felt annoyed and rushed. A schedule can put some stress on you if you fall behind. But since logistics make up a big part of travel, when things are decided for you, it frees up a lots of mental bandwith. As long as you are on time, you can relax.
December 30, 2023 @ 3:26pm – Sanzhong, Taiwan
Focus
When you’re riding a bike by yourself, or in a big messy peloton like we were, you need to concentrate. If you hit the wheel in front of you, you’re going over the handlebars, or worse. But after hours and hours of cycling, day after day, concentration is bound to dry up. Once in a while I found myself grasping for my brakes or swerving around a potholes. My concentration worsened when I was bored (long straight road) or when I was really uncomfortable (too hot).
Interestingly, my concentration improved by itself when it started to rain, or when the road started to twist downhill. The cycling might have been a bit more difficult, but it was much easier for me to focus. Maybe this was because the task was a better match to my capability. But on a 950km+ round trip, you can’t avoid long stretches of road. To help improve your focus, you can give yourself something to do. It could be a simple intention like “I’m going to ride safely down this hill” or “I’m going to smoothly stay close to this white line.” It doesn’t need to be a fanciful game. Your attention will inevitable drift away, but you can always come back and you’ll find yourself much more focused, no matter what the weather or the road is doing.
December 24, 2023 @ 8:14am – Taichung, Taiwan
Opinions
“How is it bad? If I weigh the statement correctly, what harm can it do me?”
Epictetus
Judgements are like little opinions or evaluations about what’s happening in front of you. Something happens and we respond. The sun glares off a puddle. Your jersey sticks to your back. Your socks are hot and sweaty. A judgement is passed automatically. “Not this again.” “Please no!” “I wish this wouldn’t…” When someone complains out loud, you are hearing their assessments of what’s in front of them. “Oh this looks like it’s going to be a hard hill to climb” or “wow so many cars on this road, when are turning off?” Every minute judgements trickle out of us quietly, usually without us noticing. They sizzle and crackle, charged with positivity or negativity. Judgements can make your time on the bike really miserable.
One way to help to quiet down this running commentary is to try and notice what’s actually going on. Let’s say you’ve got a flat tire and you’ve pulled over to the side of the road. In 5-10 seconds you’ll be able to see that you’re overheating, your nose feels burnt, your shirt is sticking to your back and there’s a lot of traffic noise. These are all happening. And you are probably commenting on all of these things. You probably don’t have a chance of stopping the traffic but you can control your opinions.
Of course, we judge people too. We form snap judgements very quickly. We might say to ourselves that someone is a certain kind of person, and this prevents us from really getting to know them. We might think we are being friendly, but it’s really superficial. We are better off making objective notes about people, and deprioritizing the judgements (or discarding them altogether). Rather than noticing a ‘weird old guy’, we could instead note down that he’s a man in his 60’s, traveling alone and doesn’t talk much. Leave it at that rather than anything too negative. On one of the last lunches of the trip, I sat next to a couple who I had never really even noticed. I had clearly made a judgement about them early on and blocked them out. I just didn’t think they spoke English and therefore hadn’t bothered to interact with them. They did speak English, and turned out to be friendly and interesting.
December 26, 2023 at 12:52pm – Chaozhou, Taiwan
Encouragement
A few times a day, people would see us riding past, stop what they were doing and smile and shout out Jiayou! I was told this could be loosely translated to something like “go on” or “keep going” or something like that. It didn’t matter where we were or who it was. It could be an old woman scrubbing dishes or little kids walking home from school. I started to feel like the whole country was smiling at us, gently encouraging us to ‘go on’. In comparison to Taiwan, I think of Australia, my home, as bigger, brasher, louder and less personal. Would Australians smile and cheer us on with such plain good-will? What would they say? I couldn’t think of a direct translation of words and attitude that would fit.
After the trip, I was walking with friends to my local pub and a car sped past with a man loudly jeering out the window. That’s what I think of when I think of Australia. All noise, no connection. As the trip progressed I started to think of Taiwan as a more introverted country. I related to this. I felt like the Taiwanese, especially older folks in the south were quite happy with themselves. Tending to their gardens or homes or children comfortably and quietly.
December 30, 2023 @ 12:53pm – Shifen Village, Taiwan
Words
When you don’t understand the language of a country, you’re left alone with raw noises and sights. Cycling through a busy city still feels intense, chaotic and colorful, but it’s naturally ‘quieter’ in your head because you can’t read any signs or overhear anything meaningful. It can be confusing, but it’s also less stressful. I noticed the same thing with my group. After a rainy afternoon of riding, we arrived at hotel and there was the usual rush for room keys and luggage. Everyone is shouting at each other and jostling toward the lift, but it’s all just noise to me. It struck me that this sort of scene would usually be really overwhelming, but with the mandarin floating over my head, it was easy to stay calm. The downside of course is you can’t do anything. You’re like a helpless baby relying on the kindness of your new friends. Restaurant menus, road signs and briefings would have left me stumped if I wasn’t traveling with friendly people who were always offering to translate for me.
December 26, 2023 @ 11:23am – Wanjin Village, Taiwan
Thanks
Guilt is a horrible thing. It can seep into any activity and leave you feeling bad, no matter what you’ve actually done. When we travel, we can feel guilty about lots of things. The impact on the environment. Ignorance to local traditions and customs. Inequality and the position of power you might have as a foreigner. But does this guilt serve any purpose? Instead of feeling guilt, you can approach travel with a sense of gratitude. If you’re lucky enough to step on the ground of another area of the world, instead of saying sorry you can instead say thank-you.
I don’t know any mandarin, but I was encouraged to learn the word xièxie. I found myself saying it a lot. At the restaurant and at the hotel but also quietly in my head. You can say thank you to anything. The grass you’re stepping on. The food you’re eating. Thanks to this architecture. Thanks to the sun. Thanks to the rain. The company. The air you’re breathing. This fresh peanut mochi. Whatever. Rather than feeling guilty that you are taking these things, see that the country is endlessly giving them up freely. The air keeps coming. The waves keep coming. Travel can be about receiving rather than taking. And there’s a whole lot of stuff to receive. So don’t feel bad about it, just remember to say thank you.