This question was originally asked of Alain de Botton. You can listen to his answer here.

Here’s the problem, and it’s a big one. Most inner voices are not noticed.

The most helpful and important thing one can do with an inner voice is to nudge it into the daylight. There, one can deal with it simply, like an incorrect charge on your credit card bill.

If you can see it, an inner voice will reveal itself as non-complex. It’s just a bit of commentary.

But when it is left in the dark, it’s dangerous.

A personal example. I’m getting ready to leave my house to go camping for the weekend. I need to brush my teeth, eat breakfast and pack my bags. But as I do these tasks, a critical voice follows me.

• “You forgot to turn off that light again.”
• “Toast is taking too long, you should have made cereal instead.”
• “You’re making a mess. Slow down.”
• “You’re not thinking very clearly are you?”

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Lots and lots of negative commentary.

Heres’ the kicker:

When one is not aware of an inner voice, we implicitly agree with it.

In one smooth, habitual action, we’ve listened, agreed and responded to something that might not be worth responding to.

We might reason to ourselves, “I know it’s a mess, but I’m in a rush.” Can you see how ‘mess’ has been folded into that thought without question?

And that’s how most of us live with an unfriendly voice. It sets the scene for every moment of our lives and narrows the scope of the actions available to us.

You didn’t answer the question. Where should people begin if they want to have a more friendly inner voice?

With a little awareness of an inner voice, one has many great options to deal with it. Instead of responding to an inner voice automatically, don’t. Pause. Question it. Get it a cold drink. Suggest that there are nicer, kinder ways of speaking (or thinking) that the voice may not have considered. Point out the invariably faulty logic and contradictions. If you are being critical of the quality of someone’s cooking, ask this unfriendly voice if it thinks it is a Michelin star chef.

A nasty inner voice doesn’t have the ability to introspect or to seek balance. It’s a hot headed 14 year old with a keyboard, an anonymous comment section and a point to prove.

It’s not about making an inner voice friendlier. It’s most important to make it conscious, so it can be seen for what it is, a weak, repetitive bit of commentary that you respond to without flinching. Then, with an appropriate amount of objectivity, one can form a more mature relationship, whether that’s ignoring, tempering, laughing or even (gasp) showing some compassion.