Do you know the difference between struggling and suffering?

A hot day on a bike might show you the difference. One moment you’re quietly complaining to yourself about the dwindling water in your bidon and the next moment you’re a martyr.

Historically, a martyr was someone who would volunteer to die rather than renounce their religion. They chose to take a bullet for a belief.

Martyrs don’t take the easy way out:

• Instead of asking for help, they grit their teeth in isolation.
• Instead of trouble shooting they resigns themselves to endless frustration.
• Instead of easing up they doubling down, as if suffering is a good thing.

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On a long gravel bike ride with far and few stops for refueling, I caught myself in this martyr frame of mind. I’d been there hundreds of times before without much recognition.

When our group finally pulled up at a 7-11, passive aggression, bitterness and resentment had almost entirely consumed me.

I rushed past my friends to the fridge, burning with righteousness. But before I cracked open my drink, I managed to catch myself.

I asked myself a simple question. This question stops the martyr in its tracks.

What do I need right now?

The false-selflessness, the white knuckling, the relentlessness, the self-destruction all came crashing to a halt.

What do I need?

What do I need? I need to sit down for a few minutes and cool down. That’s it. That’s all. There’s no point to prove. No badge of honor. I simply need to sit down.

I slowly sip my drink and gently tune back into a conversation about the fires in L.A. I finish my drink. My heart rate steadies.

What do I need?

I needed that. 

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Being a bit of a martyr can fuel us because there’s always someone or something to rail against. It can stroke our ego and make us feel falsely superior and falsely selfless, because the ego is always right. 

Martyrdom feels powerful, but problem-solving actually is.

When we let the martyr go and ask ourselves what we need, we come back to neutral reality. We can gain focus on the actual problem to solve. And when we do that, we open ourselves to real, simple solutions. A purple gatorade. Borrowing sunscreen from a friend. A detour. A conversation. 

We all have hills to die on. Martyrdom is likely not completely unavoidable for some us (more stubborn) folks. But life is too short to rip ourselves to shreds over a belief.

So next time you find yourself dragging yourself into a personal war,

Just ask:

👉 What do I need?