It is only our bad temper that we put down to being tired or worried or hungry we put our good temper down to ourselves.

C.S. Lewis

There’s four or five cyclists sitting around a table. They’ve all recently participated in a grueling, all-day endurance event. Most finished with a good time. One cyclist did not finish. Me.

The cyclist who couldn’t finish feels like they need to speak up for themselves. They didn’t perform their best, that’s true, and there were some good reasons for it. But they also feel deep down that none of the results, even the winner of the day, really matter. But that’s easy for a loser to say. 

The conversation shifts to the idea of individual responsibility.

One of the riders who did well starts to talk.

Look, the reason I’m most proud of my result has got nothing to do with the time, or the cheering of the crowd. It’s because I worked hard. I earned it. Sure, I’ve had a lot of help over the last few months, but today I didn’t rely on anyone except myself. I didn’t get pushed over the finish line. I trained hard and made sacrifices. I earned this thing with blood, sweat and tears. I found success through my own efforts. 

And I’m accountable for everything that happens out there. If I can’t fix a flat tire, that’s on me. If I get dehydrated, it’s on me. If I get up the hill first, that’s on me. I deserve a medal because it’s based on my own hard work. I took the initiative to study the course, and pick the right nutrition and make sure I had the best possible chance of winning. I don’t want special support. I want to win fairly and squarely. It takes the fun out of it otherwise! I deserve this result.

He sits back in his chair, smiling, satisfied. “Don’t you agree?”

I clear my throat. I have a feeling this is not going to go well.

It’s tricky for me to talk about, because I didn’t finish. I’m not happy with my result. So, maybe I’m not thinking clearly about it. I mean. I believe in individuality. I’m very much my own person. I don’t gravitate toward big social groups. I’ve never followed a team or a sport. I’m Australian, but I don’t feel a strong affiliation to my country, and never have. I do my own thing. And I when go after a goal, it’s only me taking it on. I’m doing the work. And I’m not sure if I deserve the results, but I’m not sure who else should deserve them.

“Why wouldn’t you claim the result?”

Yeah, see that’s where it gets tricky. I’m like you guys. I get what you’re feeling. That’s why I love exercise. There’s no one else pushing on those pedals. There’s no one else running up that hill, even if you are surrounded by hundreds of runners. You are waking up at 5am. You are putting in the time and effort and energy. You are saying no to things. To food, to vices, so that you can perform at your best. But can I honestly say the result, the win, the PB, is mine?

“Yes. Who else?”

Okay. Take your body for example. We don’t get to choose a lot of things about our bodies. That’s chosen by our parents. But our bodies are also mainly the food we eat. Most of the time, I feel in control of what food and drink I put into my body. Whether I drink alcohol. Or eat donuts. Or how many donuts. So when we look at a body, we are seeing genetics but also a lot of choice. It’s a mix.

Someone else speaks up. “I don’t know where you are going with this. I finished the race. I think I rode really well. I don’t have to think about any of this.”

I know what you mean. When you succeed in anything, you don’t think about it. When you have a broken leg, you can’t stop thinking about it. Who thinks about a healthy leg? It’s also easy to tell yourself a story. When I was out there getting passed by everyone, riding slower and slower, I hated it. More than anything, it hurts your ego. And maybe it’s the same for you too, but in reverse. Who’s feeling sad, hurt, and angry when you ride badly? Your ego. Who’s feeling proud and accomplished when you win? Your ego. Who cares about these results? Who has to keep beating your time? Your ego. A PB is like giving your ego an expensive haircut and a massage. It feels great. It wants to talk more about it.  

“You’re just saying that because you got a disappointing result. I agree that results and outcomes are what our egos care about, and ultimately they don’t mean much in the scheme of things. But you can’t chuck out responsibility just because you didn’t like the result.

I scratch my head. It hurts because two conflicting ideas are smashing against themselves. Maybe it’s possible to care less about the outcome, while still taking full responsibility for it.