In the 1920’s, psychoanalyst Marion Milner had everything going for her. She had graduated with a first class degree in psychology, and had a promising career ahead of her. She was in love, married and had lots of friends. She was a young mother, but also found time to write, paint, enjoy the opera or sprawl in the Mediterranean sun. Externally, everything pointed to a happiness most of us could only dream of. But she wasn’t happy.

Thus began her introspective journey which would later be synthesized and published as A life of one’s own in 1934. The experiment was simple. She took stock of the moments in her daily life which had been positive and wrote about them, hoping to discover who she really was and what made her happy.

One of the major obstacles she encounters is something she called “blind thoughts”. She’s shocked to discover these childish, often inappropriate thoughts ‘chattering’ just below her level of consciousnesses. She makes an effort not to reference any psychological theories or frameworks, but this struck me as an illuminating and helpful example of what Jung called the shadow, our personal unconscious. Since the shadow is by definition the stuff your ego doesn’t want to acknowledge, it’s very hard to get a glimpse of yourself. Here are a few of Marion’s observations:

• “The things I was prompted to keep silent about were nearly always the things I was ashamed of.”
• “Whenever I was not aware of what I was thinking, then my thoughts were liable to be quite childish and unreasonable.”
• “Worry, depression, headache, feelings of rush.. could all mean you are evading an unadmitted thought”
• “Although I had no notion of their existence, (might these thoughts) posses the power to influence my feelings and actions?”
• “I had been trying to drive the subject from my thoughts by will.”

Jill Bolte-Taylor describes this part of ourselves as the emotional part of the left hemisphere, which determines our current level of safety by “bringing in information about the present moment and then comparing that stimulation to threats from our past.” This becomes clear when we are enraged and can’t resist insulting or blaming someone or when you feel guilty about not helping that little old lady across the road.

Like Jung suggests, she finds it helpful to give a voice to these “unadmitted thoughts” and bring them into the sunlight.

I decided to try this out. Recently, I noticed myself in an irritable, restless mood after work, which I had blamed on the hot weather but was still unable to shake. Inspired by Marion, I decided to let “my thoughts write themselves” and see if I could get some insight into what was spoiling my evening.

I took a pen and paper and set a timer for two minutes. Sinking into the irritable feeling, I started to write. Once the timer was up, I reviewed the steaming pile of garbage and gunk I had found in the drain. A phrase stood out to me “brat”. I saw someone’s face flash in front of me, who I had met with a few hours before. I was stunned. This didn’t make sense. It was a perfectly fine meeting, nothing out of the ordinary. And the word brat was ridiculous, I would never think to use that language, or talk about that person like that! Or would I? In a daze, I wrote the word brat a few more times for the fun of it, and noticed my mood clearing.

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As Marion Milner discovers more and more about herself, I felt conflicted. For years, I’ve kept sporadic notes to myself on what makes me happy or miserable. I’ve never regretted writing to myself, as the act of writing is therapeutic in itself, but I’ve never really had the urge to re-read older entries, or methodically dig up themes, patterns and insights like Milner seems to effortlessly do. “Damn, I wish I thought of that” can feel both like a fist bump or a punch in the gut.

Most people think of a hero’s journey as external. You fight a bully, win the running race, ace the test. But it can also be internal. As an introvert, I’m heavily biased, but I think there’s insights here for anyone who’s ever been distracted, had a bad mood or struggled to think of what their life’s purpose should be.