This time I’ma let it all come out / This time I’ma stand up and shout

My way – Limp Bizkit

Imagine you’re walking down a street and you come across a little black, scruffy dog. It’s still a puppy, but it ain’t cute. It’s been abandoned and it’s dirty, shivering and smelly. You don’t ignore it, you adopt it and take it home with you. It lives together with you in your house, in fact, for the rest of your life.

Here’s the catch. You aren’t aware of doing any of that. You barely remember the first time you saw it, and you sure don’t believe that you’re its owner. This is your personal unconscious, or what Jung called the Shadow. It’s mostly mundane stuff, that could be conscious, but your ego has deemed it as distasteful, uncomfortable or unfit for public consumption. It’s taken the liberty to wipe it out of existence. Out of sight, out of mind. The trouble is, the trash never gets emptied and often ends up stinking up your life in all sorts of strange ways.

Pushing and squishing are two ways we unnecessarily add to our shadow.

Pushing

I used to think the world was an extremely judgmental place. It was second nature for me to interpret a glance or tone of voice as disproving or even mocking. It couldn’t feel any realer. But as you might of expected, that wasn’t the case. It was actually me doing all the judging. I had simply pushed my own judging out of awareness.

It’s not just judging, it’s anything you don’t claim responsibility for. A coworker you are certain is dismissing or avoiding you might be your own avoidance that’s been ignored and pushed out of awareness. It’s a bit like trying to hide a tennis ball underwater. No matter how hard you push it down, it will continue to surface in different (and usually unrecognizable) places.

Squishing

(Choking him) was one of the greatest gifts he gave me. Because I stopped being polite, and sweet, and appeasing of people.

Joseph Zinker on Friz Perls

Life is constantly throwing us challenges. We get knocked around by others. Taken advantage of. We need to make tough decisions. Especially for people like me who tend to be very deliberate and careful about how they act, this means a lot of time holding myself back. I can also tell myself that it’s easier or better to simply agree or go with the flow rather than say no or be combative. But buried within these habitual responses are things that I actually want, and I’m not doing.

Seeking a resolution to an argument or stating your preferences can be quite stressful in the short term, and we tend to avoid it. But there’s a cost. Shrinking back, squishing feelings, fence-sitting and violating your own ethics all contribute to the shadow. The consequence of not speaking your piece, can manifest as unprovoked insults, black moods, violent outbursts or worse. We are all familiar with the extreme cases of blow-ups and meltdowns, mythologized in stories like Breaking Bad and Fight Club.

Walking the dog

What do you do with a dog that’s been chained up in the basement, has presumably a horrible appearance and is startled by the smallest noise?How can we take care of this beast (without setting it loose on the neighborhood)?

One way to take this dog for a walk, or find a balance between creativity and destruction, is by doing something out of the ordinary. This works to knock the superiority of the ego, which always thinks it’s in control and has the final word on everything. Here are a few ideas:

Put your foot down

Making it clear exactly what you want feels uncomfortable in the moment, but also doesn’t create any resentment. You want a beer instead of wine? Say so. Speak up. Express yourself.

Change your clothes

We’re all familiar with that faintly embarrassing, but energizing effect of something like temporary tattoos. One tiny thing and suddenly you might take yourself more or less seriously. Any change from the ordinary can be good. Since our personas can become very rigid and fixed, clothing is a great lever to play with. Wear speedos if you always wear jammers, or singlets if you always wear shirts. By messing with your uniform, you are recognizing parts of yourself that may have previously been papered over and hidden.

Think darker

I’ve written before about the power of visualization. Since your unconscious can’t tell the difference between a “real act” and symbolic one, it can be very energizing to imagine the profane, the stupid, the dirty, the embarrassing. It sounds ridiculous, but see if you run/swim/ride faster and with more vigor when you imagine that the sensation of sweat is actually blood or the runner behind you is actually a knife wielding maniac!

With a small amount of deliberate attention, we can both walk this dog and stretch our own legs.